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The Cud  1992/2010

God Faces Chapter 11
Investors Panic


LOS ANGELES – Rumors continue to circulate that, sooner rather than later, God will seek bankruptcy protection in a play to minimize the damages to an already faltering universe.

Observers of the Index of Leading Faith Indicators cite a majority of the Lord’s followers no longer believe He is able to provide. 

News of the Most High’s financial trouble has been received with varying degrees of surprise.  Least astonished were church officials. Requesting anonymity, one church leader revealed, “We always suspected cost overruns on the part of Upper Management.  Fortunately, the bulk of our revenue will not be affected.  Our marketing team generates close to 90% of church income, while beneficent grants from God account for only 10%.”

The private sector responded to rumors with characteristic understatement.  California entrepreneur Demas Fortuitous reflected, “I’m sad, but not shocked. God simply overestimated His ability to steer a large corporation.  His hiring policy was indiscriminate and frequently fell short of the industry standard.  Still it would be a shame to see Him go under.  Though not always prudent with His capital allocation, I always believed God’s heart was in the right place.”

More surprised by the prospect of a divine shortfall were members of the agnostic community.  “Americans for the Advancement of Agnosticism and Non-Alcoholic Beer” spokesperson Philpot Withmore commented, “This comes as a great shock.  While we were never certain God was actually in business, we assumed if He was, funding would not be a problem.”

But funds are a problem for God – at least some people seem to think so.  Followers of Jesus Christ nationwide are manifesting symptoms of investor angst and unfulfilled expectations.

What brought on the Creator’s financial woes?  Industry analysts argue over specifics, but there is general agreement that God overextended Himself by promising categorically to meet all the needs of His followers.  Said one Certified Financial Planner, “I would have advocated, instead, a strategy of  ‘God helps those who help themselves’.  This imposes a natural regulator on cash flow.  Of course hindsight is always 20/20.”

In addition to reorganization, God may also be facing a class action suit initiated by followers claiming they were uninformed and misled.  At issue is God's promise to meet clients' needs, while at the same time He reserves the right to define what “meeting needs” looks like on a case by case basis.  The plaintiffs charge God with being duplicitous, fraudulent and in violation of disclosure laws.

“Our expectations for financial blessing have remained largely unfulfilled,” complained one follower who hopes to remain anonymous.

Not everyone was caught unprepared.  Real estate developer Dub L. Minded conceded, “I secretly suspected God was not committed to the same lifestyle I had promised myself and my family.  Though I subscribed to His ideals and supported His ventures, I always maintained separate holdings so I could keep my options open.”

While God’s pending bankruptcy raises concerns about His ability to service clients and manage an effective program in the present, it’s also stirring unrest among His long-term investors.

For centuries, Christian investors have considered the Kingdom of Heaven to be an attractive retirement program.  God has long promoted eternal security combined with an everlasting return.  Few can forget the first century ad campaign: “Lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal.”

Today, investor faith is giving way to investor fear. 

During a recent press conference, a key spokesperson for the Lord told reporters that the Most High God was as reliable as ever.  Michael Angel denied all rumors of the Almighty’s insolvency and protested what he called “the irresponsible media hype.”  Angel reiterated, “The Lord still owns the cattle on a thousand hills, the earth and all it contains.”

Meanwhile, shareholders are looking for alternative investment instruments.

God Himself has been unavailable for comment, although sources close to the Throne indicate a statement is imminent. Likely to be joined by a public appearance.